"Toxic Soul Ties" Courtesy of D.K

I used to be a huge fan of closure untill I realized there's no amount of words put in an explanation that will really change people or the sick things they do. Their reasons to why they do what they do will never add up to an understanding of why it wasn't the best thing they could do. So instead of closure I walk out doors and leave them shut; ofcourse with no explanation. I don't give a damn about closures.

Sometimes when we were caught up in the moment, I remember how she used to ask about when we could get married; this always left me bewildered and lost for words, not because I didn't want to but in the same second I could go back... my mind would wander back to the messages on her phone that somehow found their way backed up onto the cloud on my computer. In that moment I would remember how "last night was amazing with Evans" I would remember how " Felix would always have a place in her heart " I rememberd how "my cousin isn't good for you but since you are my friend I will get him to behave "
To say the least, the memories of her promiscuity would roll out event after event like I was right there through them.

I would look into her eyes and there was this dark and hollow pit of uncertainty right inside.  At that moment I knew she was bad for me but inside I knew the thrill that came with bad. See we were deeply in love she was my high school sweetheart and I was her knight in shining amor. We had built these walls so high no one would come inside but we forgot we would need to get outside some day.

"Baby you know I love you more than anything,I  badly want us  to get married and spend the rest of our days together have beautiful children and travel around the world but you know all that requires planning and I know in the right time we will work out fine."

We had dated for years now I loved her to the moon and back but I sure as hell wasn't ready for that commitment at that time. I was struggling with a career a business and all that crisis that comes when there's too much pressure to become someone before you cross into that age society labels you out as a failure. Apart from that this girl still had a lot of growing up to do,I  didn't mind though for as long as we loved us we would eventually fall into place or so I thought.I  was willing to wait.

First couple of years was fine, we laughed we loved we were happy and everyone around us was too. We had come up to being some peoples goals.

 Fast forward; Never underestimate your gut; trust your intuition for in places your heart will decieve you your conscience will constantly gnaw at you.

I knew something was wrong I just didn't know where. Everything else was normal but there was a piece of the puzzle that didn't quite fit in. The relationship took a nose dive to the dogs..slowly but steadily.

The love that was there in plenty slowly deteriorating. Times away from each other felt better than times spent together, Conversations went basic and kisses turned cold. We got comfortable without each other more than with each other.

But the heart wants what it wants; after those fights we would get back  and make passionate love. In the heat of the moment that was the best thing to do. It was the only way we could feel alive again. We would lay on our backs exhausted and make small talk it would excite us and we would have gotten us through the night until afew days after.

"Baby why did you do it? How could you? "

" Baby you made me do it! I can't explain...am just sorry it happened "

Curiously had killed the proverbial cat once again. What if I hadn't checked that cloud and not confronted her? What if she hadn't been sloppy with her paswords? What if I never found out?  What if I had really made her do it? In that moment all my fears were confirmed and everything my friends had told me had gotten meaning. This was bound  to happen.

"Baby am sorry I hurt you am sorry I let you find solace in some other arms, it will not happen again."

"Baby am sorry I broke the trust I was caught in the moment."

Did you know your unanswered prayers are someone else's answered prayers? I  thought you should know.
Needless to say things went back to "normal" and we still left the house hand in hand and smiled to neighbours and friends nothing had happened. Who were we fooling,  the void inside grew bigger the more we tried to conceal it.  I had to get away but where too? Our love walls were soaring up in the skies.

" Baby you have changed, what's going on?"

"It's nothing bae, just the pressure from my career and other things "

"Is there someone else?"

"No!"

This wasn't going to be the same again, but the heart wants what it wants.

Its ok to fall in love and be in love but once you feel that love is choking that's the cue to leave. Nobody said  it will be easy; but whatever gets you through it do it. Do not settle in a place you were meant to pass through for in our best we were love but you can't keep taking from yourself to give out with no return you will end up with nothing and once you lose yourself not even you can help yourself. Stop trying to revive dead relationships, they died for a reason learn from them and move on. Go out there love and be loved but keep your eyes open for your  Jesus and your Judas,  they both sit at the same table. Its not easy to break those toxic soul ties but when you do....never look back don't seek closure, it doesn't make a difference.

This piece was influenced by the book  Toxic  Soul Ties by Doreen Eshinali Khamala.
Never be afraid to share your story you never know who you can touch with it.