Types of females in a mans phonebook

1.The main.
This is that mama you have been openly seen with on 2 to 4 occasions. You share a house for most days of the week and even have the same keyholders. Your man squad calls her mama wa kwako.  She has tolerated your stupid ass for the most part o the relationship but you know next time you do some shit she gone...so you maintain some lifestyle around her treat her like a queen nini nini...ofcourse bruhv you have invested your feelings. She rarely calls during the day "you know the drill" you have that ka spot for lunch and when who sleeps where. Your lives are synchronized!!

2.The Main Side B

Weuh this one is a hardworker. She knows she has just that one more step.. She will kuja your digs and wash everything from curtains to the carpets to the dishes...This one will even wash away your sins. Mama cooks like those Tv shows . She is not big on being taken out she enjoys the time you together because it comes once in....never.She knows you have  a main chic a mistress and  some hoes but she is cool with that after all she knows if you  let her down there's  a stupid rich man from their village who her parents want her to marry.this  one just texts one message and how you respond to it will determine if she is "safe" to talk to you or not.

3.The side B

Bruhv this girl has kulad your chipo kuku you should have a shamba of potatoes and a shit load of chicken . This one is a noisy one and is always coming to dates with her friends. You met her in a club and after too much of kurombosa you decided you needed her number. She is always calling on Friday evening to know whats the mpango. You don't meet this one around the block...she doesn't have chills. She has like a gazillion of photos with your car and your  tactfully hidden face in the background but since you don't follow her on instagram You are safe.

4.The EX
You don't need introduction to this one...she is trouble. I mean you are her man but not her man but not anyone else's man. Bruhv!!She will call you at odd hours  to remind you how life was good when you was together nini nini how she still prays for you and that she hopes you can get time for some coffee.  She has a ka boyfriend but clearly that nigga ain't hitting it right. This one stalks you like a problem and she will even know if you have a new pimple on your  face. She thinks You will come back but you just like..."miss me with that bs".

4.The other Ex

This one doesn't give a damn about you. She wouldn't even come to your funeral if you died but if she gets any opportunity to meet you. ...Boss you getting lucky tonight. She totally moved on....with her heart not her legs fam...that is entirely your property my nigga. She knows what she wants she never calls never texts but if she sniffs you around her rada....Pudesh will be bomolewad.

5.The Baby mama
Pass......

6.The Cougar
That ka girl in the hood that had a crush on you since you were like 12..You look up to her like a big sister and she looks down at you like an eagle.. She has called you to parties which have coincidentally coincided with other things of more importance.  She has called you to her house afew times to 'fix her tv' and everytime the 'fixing' is about to start you get an important call.The heart does not want but the flesh is week. For your own safety block this ones number. ..the day she will ovulate is the day your phone will not stop ringing.

7.The horny neighbour

You even don't know what the deal is with this one. She keeps tabs on you like a problem.  She has a good heart though she will remove you and bae's clothes from the wireline and tuck them safe for you. She cooks chapo when bae is not around and brings them to share and watch shades of grey on your tv because  "yake ina shida". If you eat this one hama hio ploti.


8.The untouchables
These ones are fine as hell. They drink Crystal and breathe opulence. Apa uza shamba ama ngoja ushinde jackpot. Her hair is your rent but she still gives You audience because "you seem like a good guy"You probably met at some corporate event and exchanged business cards.. She is into big money but never worry boychild if you know afew of these it means you are climbing up that ladder too.


9.The "Boyz" a.k.a Pimp

This one understands your whole existence. She will hook you up with tickets for reggae night and changia that mzinga too..she will even help you home if you pass out in the club. She knows your flavour "we unapendanga ma Bbw kuna beste yangu flani wacha nikuitie".. And she doesn't disappoint. Once in a while when the drought is terrible...she comes through. She is loyal asf.


10.The potential 

You have been checking her out for sometime. .You are still trying to understand her..Been trying to meet her up but all in vain.Your conversations are basic but she knows you into her a nd she loves the attention....if it goes on for more than a month leave her alone.


11.The "Big Siz"

You have sisterzoned this one because she knows too much and might just end up being a pain in the ass. She comes through though and is a solid shoulder to lean on everytime things go south. She is always trying to get you to invest into some shady pyramid scheme.  Reall one keep her she will be your daughter's best friend.

12.The hot potatoe

Every nigga on  the block has smashed this one. She still considers herself hot and has totally refused to act her age. You don't even have her number but you know where to find her. If you have ever been to Marsabit...You understand the essence of knowing this one.


Disclaimer 

Characters in the story do not match characters in my phonebook...