Another Rant
I have been looking through my family albums for some years now. I don't really understand why but the thrill of asking my shosho "who is this?" And her starting a story session is just unmatched. She has all the dates and memories at her finger tips. So today. .. after I made her favourite cup of tea... I sense she is in a story telling mood. This mama is an encyclopaedia of knowledge by the way usimwone ivi....yes and ofcourse she was taught the queens language by a "Mrs Harman". Wherever You are you owe my grandma some royalties. ..ile design huyu shosh hukuimba.
Fast foward...gone through all albums in her house nini nini (yeah we still have them uku...I heard you new school people call yours instagram). I was looking for pictures of me when I was a toddler. ..You know before I had grown a tooth or too. ( nataka kujua na nilifungwa nappies ama pampers). To my utter surprise....no not one...neither are there any other toddler pictures of members of the family. Ama sisi ndo wale tulinunuliwa supermarket? This strikes me odd...I know you might be thinking. ..but si ilikua siku za kitambo hawakua na camera. ...nope...acha niwaambie..my shosh took her kids to the studio to take pictures at every stage of their lives. Ilikua ukimea pre- molar picha pap. And ofcos my gradpa (God rest his soul) must have been a tech savy guy..akuna vile angekosa camera. The guy had an Onkyo sound system.(watu wa ampex mi hawaezi niambia kitu).
Shosh...Mbona hakuna picha ata mmoja yetu tukiwa wadogo? I just had to ask. Sikuizi mnatoka kwa tumbo mkijipiga selfie?....this one has no chills.I now know where I got it from. To say the least she has thrown me off balance with her wit am just sitting there with my eyes in a daze like am high on some cheap stuff...manyaru! But she is kind enough to explain her response. She goes like. ..see back in the day.... ukiskia ivo unavuta stool my fren. Apa ni hadithi tu. Anyway what we talked about was our story. ..if you want to hear your "back in the day"story holla at your grands.
To cut the obviously long story abit shorter... Kids were sacred back in the day. Starting from conception to birth to the first stages of growth. Some of the things my shosho told me are intense and I don't have a viewer discretion so I will save yall the details. But to put you in context. ..children and pregnant mothers were the communities pricely possession and were guarded jealously against any evil eye ( efikhokho). They had a sacred place where a chosen few would visit at specific hours under strict instructions. Uko ndo unaskia watu walianza kukuambia congratulations kwa busaa den na ata hujui ka mtoto alizaliwa...don't argue with me I was born in hospital just before the millennium...hio story uliza sponsor anajua.
So..babies were this treasured little humans who were always kept safe to protect them from "bad eyes" , harmful people and extreme conditions and their mothers would be treated with the same respect watu wamekula pesa ya NYS are treated...ofcos not the Ngritas...am talking about the Waigurus and those cartels nobody including myself can dare mention. Bora uhai...but we shall revisit.
So izo siku mtoto akizaliwa ilikua kabla umshike unakuja na jogoo ya white...mayai ya kondoo ... machozi ya simba and all that paraphernalia(kwa ufupi nasema mtoto hakua anashikwa ovyo ovyo). But whe the baby was born...sema sherehe. A valuable belonging had been brought to the community...You had given birth for the whole village and they would stuff you with all kinds of food..treat you like a queen nini nini ata miguu haikuwa inafika chini...You just float around like the best thing that happened to your village after smoke signals. Mtoto alikua wa jamii....it now makes sense why Mama Philip used to give us a combined beating whenever we did something cheeky then bring Philip to my mum for the same. ...cheei I suffered.
Haiya turudi 2018. The era of " izo vitu mliletewa zinakaa tv hazitokangi kwa mkono" (read smartphones), internet and ofcourse slayqueens...yes I said it. ..slayqueens niko apa Khumailo kujeni mnichape!!! These crop of humans has done us...weuh!! They have even changed the symbolic "and man shall leave his father's house and meet woman and they shall become one" to " dresscode ni cockroach brown tunataka ikue noma kushinda ya Mo".
You guessed it right and just like orange is the new black...babyshowers are the new weddings. Lakini hii baby shower ni nini na ilitoka wapi? Nani aliileta?
First time I heard about this babyshower thingy. ..a colleagues was like...mtu hufanya nini baby shower? And I was like...hio ni nini bro. Everyone in the office laughed. ...aaaiii am I this backward...Thank God for Google and fast internet connection pap.... Bro...hi sio kitu mwanaume anafaa kuenda.My instincts were already against this thing the internet and " being woke" had forced down our throats. Aaaii hi ni vitu gani? Regardless we listened to the palaver the office females had ...but still if this guy wanted to be there on his wife's "big day " that was on him...me and the entire ape population were taking a back seat on this.
Over the months I came to understand the modalities of this thing they called a babyshower...I couldn't help but notice the similarities in all of them I had HEARD ABOUT (to be clear. ...nijikute!!).
1. This mama is either single or with no traces of a husband.
2. Has a team of ratchet friends
3. Mostly a first timer and generally clueless
4. Not ready to be a mum but...one of her girls just had her babyshower and it was 'LIt'
5. I really don't know the father of this thing
To mention just afew...
This are the main characteristics of the owner of these events.
Yaani it still beats logic how you go fochofocho in dark places with someone you might not now then push the reality of your results down our throats like that...I mean now we supposed to feel having unprotected sex is fun? It leads to baby showers and other funkies....walai najua ata sai kuna mtu ametoka baby shower. This thing is not appealing to me....and to many other friends of mine who choose to be anonymous. Like how does your babyshower come before your graduation gown? Mambo ya wedding gown ata tuachane nayo kwanza ( nani ataoa awa waschana??) Hooooow.?? Alafu vile mang'una are their own enemies. ...You don't even put into consideration that one of your girls could have a ' bad eye'? Another friend of mine confessed she only goes to these events for the food while another says "mi ata sipendi uyo dem but ju ni sato na sikua na form na nakuanga na dress ya blue...mi nani?" And the dressing code....yawa!! Mmebebana mnaenda baby shower mmevaa ni kama mnaenda Scratch lakini mnapitia Mojos kwanza. Even the pregnant woman is subjected to this skimpy dressing...then you will dance like you want to deliver the baby on the same day. ..wengine ata mnakunywa the same hard drinks you took while you were getting pregnant...alafu mnazaa broads na ma fboy mnauliza mlikosea wapi. Dont even get me started with another one all over TV sasa ungekua umebeba Yesu?
Ok...I know I might have gon a little overboard on this matter....correct me if am wrong.... but another female friend of mine said hizo uniform zenu za hizo event inafaa muanzishe chama ya kuomba mpate mabwana...another said instead of wasting that money on food drinks and cake...take it to some Kanyari akuombee imultiply.
I posted my sons first picture when he was 6 months old...Kwambox hakuwai itisha baby shower...hakuwai itisha photoshoot na ata hajui picha za mtoto wake hupigwa na nani ye huziona tu social media. According to my shosh...A baby is a precious God sent possession. ....how you bring him/her into this world determines how he will grow..Najua kesho there's someone who is going to bring their child to this world dancing to some song by that guy called Timmy Tdat....Y'all need Jesus!! Ni hayo tu kwa sasa.
Fast foward...gone through all albums in her house nini nini (yeah we still have them uku...I heard you new school people call yours instagram). I was looking for pictures of me when I was a toddler. ..You know before I had grown a tooth or too. ( nataka kujua na nilifungwa nappies ama pampers). To my utter surprise....no not one...neither are there any other toddler pictures of members of the family. Ama sisi ndo wale tulinunuliwa supermarket? This strikes me odd...I know you might be thinking. ..but si ilikua siku za kitambo hawakua na camera. ...nope...acha niwaambie..my shosh took her kids to the studio to take pictures at every stage of their lives. Ilikua ukimea pre- molar picha pap. And ofcos my gradpa (God rest his soul) must have been a tech savy guy..akuna vile angekosa camera. The guy had an Onkyo sound system.(watu wa ampex mi hawaezi niambia kitu).
Shosh...Mbona hakuna picha ata mmoja yetu tukiwa wadogo? I just had to ask. Sikuizi mnatoka kwa tumbo mkijipiga selfie?....this one has no chills.I now know where I got it from. To say the least she has thrown me off balance with her wit am just sitting there with my eyes in a daze like am high on some cheap stuff...manyaru! But she is kind enough to explain her response. She goes like. ..see back in the day.... ukiskia ivo unavuta stool my fren. Apa ni hadithi tu. Anyway what we talked about was our story. ..if you want to hear your "back in the day"story holla at your grands.
To cut the obviously long story abit shorter... Kids were sacred back in the day. Starting from conception to birth to the first stages of growth. Some of the things my shosho told me are intense and I don't have a viewer discretion so I will save yall the details. But to put you in context. ..children and pregnant mothers were the communities pricely possession and were guarded jealously against any evil eye ( efikhokho). They had a sacred place where a chosen few would visit at specific hours under strict instructions. Uko ndo unaskia watu walianza kukuambia congratulations kwa busaa den na ata hujui ka mtoto alizaliwa...don't argue with me I was born in hospital just before the millennium...hio story uliza sponsor anajua.
So..babies were this treasured little humans who were always kept safe to protect them from "bad eyes" , harmful people and extreme conditions and their mothers would be treated with the same respect watu wamekula pesa ya NYS are treated...ofcos not the Ngritas...am talking about the Waigurus and those cartels nobody including myself can dare mention. Bora uhai...but we shall revisit.
So izo siku mtoto akizaliwa ilikua kabla umshike unakuja na jogoo ya white...mayai ya kondoo ... machozi ya simba and all that paraphernalia(kwa ufupi nasema mtoto hakua anashikwa ovyo ovyo). But whe the baby was born...sema sherehe. A valuable belonging had been brought to the community...You had given birth for the whole village and they would stuff you with all kinds of food..treat you like a queen nini nini ata miguu haikuwa inafika chini...You just float around like the best thing that happened to your village after smoke signals. Mtoto alikua wa jamii....it now makes sense why Mama Philip used to give us a combined beating whenever we did something cheeky then bring Philip to my mum for the same. ...cheei I suffered.
Haiya turudi 2018. The era of " izo vitu mliletewa zinakaa tv hazitokangi kwa mkono" (read smartphones), internet and ofcourse slayqueens...yes I said it. ..slayqueens niko apa Khumailo kujeni mnichape!!! These crop of humans has done us...weuh!! They have even changed the symbolic "and man shall leave his father's house and meet woman and they shall become one" to " dresscode ni cockroach brown tunataka ikue noma kushinda ya Mo".
You guessed it right and just like orange is the new black...babyshowers are the new weddings. Lakini hii baby shower ni nini na ilitoka wapi? Nani aliileta?
First time I heard about this babyshower thingy. ..a colleagues was like...mtu hufanya nini baby shower? And I was like...hio ni nini bro. Everyone in the office laughed. ...aaaiii am I this backward...Thank God for Google and fast internet connection pap.... Bro...hi sio kitu mwanaume anafaa kuenda.My instincts were already against this thing the internet and " being woke" had forced down our throats. Aaaii hi ni vitu gani? Regardless we listened to the palaver the office females had ...but still if this guy wanted to be there on his wife's "big day " that was on him...me and the entire ape population were taking a back seat on this.
Over the months I came to understand the modalities of this thing they called a babyshower...I couldn't help but notice the similarities in all of them I had HEARD ABOUT (to be clear. ...nijikute!!).
1. This mama is either single or with no traces of a husband.
2. Has a team of ratchet friends
3. Mostly a first timer and generally clueless
4. Not ready to be a mum but...one of her girls just had her babyshower and it was 'LIt'
5. I really don't know the father of this thing
To mention just afew...
This are the main characteristics of the owner of these events.
Yaani it still beats logic how you go fochofocho in dark places with someone you might not now then push the reality of your results down our throats like that...I mean now we supposed to feel having unprotected sex is fun? It leads to baby showers and other funkies....walai najua ata sai kuna mtu ametoka baby shower. This thing is not appealing to me....and to many other friends of mine who choose to be anonymous. Like how does your babyshower come before your graduation gown? Mambo ya wedding gown ata tuachane nayo kwanza ( nani ataoa awa waschana??) Hooooow.?? Alafu vile mang'una are their own enemies. ...You don't even put into consideration that one of your girls could have a ' bad eye'? Another friend of mine confessed she only goes to these events for the food while another says "mi ata sipendi uyo dem but ju ni sato na sikua na form na nakuanga na dress ya blue...mi nani?" And the dressing code....yawa!! Mmebebana mnaenda baby shower mmevaa ni kama mnaenda Scratch lakini mnapitia Mojos kwanza. Even the pregnant woman is subjected to this skimpy dressing...then you will dance like you want to deliver the baby on the same day. ..wengine ata mnakunywa the same hard drinks you took while you were getting pregnant...alafu mnazaa broads na ma fboy mnauliza mlikosea wapi. Dont even get me started with another one all over TV sasa ungekua umebeba Yesu?
Ok...I know I might have gon a little overboard on this matter....correct me if am wrong.... but another female friend of mine said hizo uniform zenu za hizo event inafaa muanzishe chama ya kuomba mpate mabwana...another said instead of wasting that money on food drinks and cake...take it to some Kanyari akuombee imultiply.
I posted my sons first picture when he was 6 months old...Kwambox hakuwai itisha baby shower...hakuwai itisha photoshoot na ata hajui picha za mtoto wake hupigwa na nani ye huziona tu social media. According to my shosh...A baby is a precious God sent possession. ....how you bring him/her into this world determines how he will grow..Najua kesho there's someone who is going to bring their child to this world dancing to some song by that guy called Timmy Tdat....Y'all need Jesus!! Ni hayo tu kwa sasa.
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Nice piece..but still waiting for your grandma's story.