HER Again !

 I woke up in the middle of the night drenched in sweat, confused and disappointed in equal measure. Shit I was still here! I reached out for my lighter grabbed a blunt from the nightstand and sparked it. I always wished I’d blow everything out with each puff but this shit made me hungrier and had my mind racing in all different directions. Fuck it, I’d be high again in no time, maybe I will get knocked and get back to bed before my alarm screams out in the next hour and a half. I really hated my life.

I turned around to HER warmth on my back, this was a great feeling in the earlier days. In this moment HER touch felt like a pitch fork in Satan’s kitchen. How did we get here?

I hit another puff and began to reminisce, the good old days. You know me? I’m a traveler, am sporadic, routine was never my thing and they couldn’t tie me down. I was the rolling stone that gathered no moss. I was full of life, the party knew me and I was relevant to circles I didn’t even fit in, Charisma! And then I had a strike of bad luck and all that changed, went from drinking for fun to drinking to get some sleep, from social to antisocial , extrovert to introvert , you know the whole shebang. If there was a rock bottom I was in its basement.

Like every man learning to be a man on his own I advanced and overcame. At this point I learnt the subtle art of not giving a fuck and mastered stoicism. 

It was then when I met HER. An aura of warmth lingered around HER, HER breath was life and HER touch was breathtaking. She made me forget about the icebox my life had become. She literally brought sunshine to my life and warmth to my heart. I loved it here but I was a traveler so I had to say goodbye but somewhere in me I knew I would meet HER again.

Fast forward and we found our way into each other’s arms. She took me in, she couldn’t stitch up all my wounds at once so we started with the ones that needed the most attention. She put a roof on my head and food on my plate eventually she also put some money in my pockets and introduced to some of the most amazing souls I’ve met in my entire life. She made me feel whole again, she even made that gait in my walk resurface. Wiped the cocked up look from my face and replaced it with a childish grin. I was beginning to love this. What did I know, I had been sad most of my life, I was going to ride on every little ray of sunshine until the wheels fell off.

In my true fashion, I started overthinking stuff, I was so used to fucking up everything good I came across it was just a matter of time till I messed this up too. That thing they say about matching energy, yeah she could feel when I got distant. She would catch me from time to time engrossed in my past, making old plans in a new day. I’m pretty sure she got disappointed with me, she knew my heart was not with her and I would eventually trace my way back home.

When she did conspire with nature, shit hit the fan pretty fast. I started losing my connections, I saw lesser friendly faces and kept getting into places that had a difficult vibe to read from. I was beginning to lose my safety net. Was this HER and nature’s way to show me that I was an ungrateful SOB and I deserved everything that came to me? We grew apart by day. I lay with HER thinking about my past and how I could make it better. I have always been that live in the moment kinda guy but there was something too good to be true with this one, so I continued self-sabotaging. Hallucinating of what could have been and never about what it actually was. 

To this moment, we are so far apart our scripts don’t even match. She doesn’t even turn me on no more, the memories of all the places we visited do not leave me with a sense of longing anymore. Waking up to HER is a getting boring. The friends we made don’t seem to care no more. All that warmth now feels like a furnace constantly melting my heart, and not in the good ways. At this moment any chance I get to cheat on HER, I swear on my nuts I’ll take it.

Yes we left home to build home, but is it really worth it if you have to lose yourself first? Home is where the heart is, But mine is not with HER, it’s with an incomplete picture I haven’t been able to paint all this while I was with HER! Should we lose ourselves in the present and deal with the past when need be? Its actually dawned on me that I cannot bridge the gap between this two just as much as I can’t cheat on them. I hit this bud looking at HER imagining everything we would have ever been but my past looks at me telling me how I ain’t shit. I give the past a middle finger and look at HER as if I want HER to confirm that am still the shit…but we don’t know each other like that no more!